Archive for December, 2011»
So a while back, a friend gave me his copy of Dungeons and Dragons: Daggerfaildale, because he couldn’t get it to run on his computer. And since I’ve been jonesing for a little goblin smackdown, I decided to give it a shot. [1]
Daggerdale is basically like Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance or Everquest: Conquest of Norrath, a multiplayer action game with the trappings of D&D … throw yourself at goblins and mash buttons ’til they die. Theoretically it should be prettier than those, being newer, but it’s basically the same thing. The only problem is, the makers seem to have decided that instead of just making a similar game in the same genre, they would just do a wholesale copy/paste and call it a day.
These games don’t generally mess with a complicated plot, right? Well, the makers of the game apparently decided to go with that “etcetera, etcetera” mindset and really just phoned it in. There’s some evil guy named Rezlus in a tower who is gonna do some bad thing or other. He’s always the evil Rezlus. Or maybe “The’Evil” is his first name. What is Rezlus like or about, other than evil? No idea, except that he’s blue. And apparently worships Bane. But really, that’s enough, right? Anyhow, obviously, y’all gotta knock off all that evil, so !Galadriel teleports you into a dwarf mine so you can smash barrels and even occasionally fight a goblin. (Presumably !Gandalf was busy.)
Barrels. Really. Why. They even have the “barrel-maker crying that people keep smashing his barrels” joke. Didn’t Bard’s Tale put that bit to bed, like ten years ago? Maybe they’re depending on gamers having a short memory. The first level past the tutorial consists of nothing but a bunch of dwarves standing around while you smash all their barrels. (Smashing barrels is optional, of course, but you’ll want those health potions later.)
So you have your choice of four characters in the game: the burly white fighter guy, the white elf archer chick, the white dwarf cleric dude, or the androgynous white halfling wizard. [2] Each one is lovingly rendered in shades of sepia, and looks like they’d rather be doing anything else than going on this adventure. I kinda want to gripe about the lack of options here– I’m partial to male elf fighters and female human clerics (for instance), but none of the other games in this genre really give you a choice (Gauntlet II at least gave you color options…), so I guess there’s no point in that.
I should point out, that you don’t necessarily stay sepia. The high point of the game, in terms of low points, had to be when my character picked up a suit of armor that turned him into the Iceman from Marvel Comics. And by this I don’t mean he was wearing blue armor, I mean his entire body turned bright blue, including his skin, eyes, and hair. I know, fantasy game, magic, yadda-yadda, but wow. Even D&D usually tries to at least keep a little grounding in its quasi-medieval setting. Did some designer really want to be working on a superhero game instead? It was here that it went from “playable if weak” to “just plain silly.”
Anyway, the game’s nomenclature is all lifted from 4E, but it doesn’t mean anything. I fought “level one minions” with 24 hit points, “controllers” who just stood there and beat up on you, and so forth. You have all the usual Strength/Dex/Con stuff, but it’s all pre-set and doesn’t seem to actually do much. You fight by clicking the attack button until everything around you is dead, and defend yourself by guzzling health potions. I don’t know what the multiplayer is like, because that would have required getting another copy for Mrs. Gneech and I wasn’t willing to actually spend any money on it. We can do the same thing only better by pulling out the old Baldur’s Gate platformers or Gauntlet: Legends.
In short… meh. Don’t waste your time.
-The Gneech
PS: Oh, did I mention that the disk appears to contain nothing but an installer that downloads the game from Steam? Whee!
[1] I more or less hung up my dicebag earlier this year, at least as a gamemaster. I’d still love to play if I could find a local game, but I haven’t exactly been actively searching.
[2] Halfling wizard, really? I don’t get the gaming community’s fervent desire to include halflings but OMG can’t have ’em be hobbits, no, no! Really, guys, the only reason to include halflings is because they’re hobbits. If you don’t like hobbits, leave halflings out all together. They’re superfluous otherwise.
The Most Horrible of Traditions
NOTE: This actually looks better in my LiveJournal. The Gneech.com posting munges the format something awful.
And it’s upon us another year!
Look to the sky way up on high There in the night stars are now right Eons have passed Fear now then at last the prison walls break Old Old Ones awake Ones They will return They Fear Mankind will learn will the new kinds of fear re- Old when they are here turn Ones They will reclaim They will reclaim They will reclaim They will reclaim all in their name all in their name all in their name all in their name Hopes turn to black Hopes turn to black Hopes turn to black Hopes turn to black when they come back when they come back when they come back when they come back Ignorant fools Ignorant fools They Ignorant fools Mankind now rules Mankind now rules will Mankind now rules where they ruled then where they ruled then walk the where they ruled then It's theirs again It's theirs again Earth again It's theirs again Stars brightly burning They will return Stars brightly burning They will return boiling and churning Mankind will learn up in the gloom Mankind will learn bode a returning new kinds of fear bode a returning new kinds of fear season of doom when they are here season of doom when they are here Scary scary scary They Look to the sky They scary solstice will return there up on high will very very very They Stars brightly burn re- scary solstice will return Old Ones return turn Up from the sea Bring- Bring- Bring- from underground ing ing ing down from the sky cer- cer- cer- They're all around tain tain tain They will return Doom! Doom! Doom! Mankind will learn ... ... ... new kinds of fear ... ... ... when they are here ... ... ... Look to the sky Fear way up on high the There in the night Old stars are now right Ones Eons have passed They Fear now then at last will the prison walls break re- Old Old Ones awake turn Ones Madness will reign Madness will reign Madness will reign Madness will reign terror and pain terror and pain terror and pain terror and pain Woes without end Woes without end Woes without end Woes without end where they extend where they extend where they extend where they extend Ignorant fools Ignorant fools They Ignorant fools Mankind now rules Mankind now rules will Mankind now rules where they ruled then where they ruled then master this where they ruled then It's theirs again It's theirs again planet again It's theirs again Stars brightly burning They will return Stars brightly burning They will return boiling and churning Mankind will learn up in the gloom Mankind will learn bode a returning new kinds of fear bode a returning new kinds of fear season of doom when they are here season of doom when they are here Scary scary scary They They will return They scary solstice will return Mankind will learn will Very very very they new kinds of fear re- scary solstice will return when they are here turn Up from the sea Man Man Man from underground has should has down from the sky much fear much They're all around to to to Fear Fear Look to the sky Fear ... ... way up on high ... ... ... There in the night ... ... ... stars now are right ... They will return... They will return... They will return... They will return...
Care of The H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society.
Merry Christmas. ;)
-The Gneech
Fictionlet
“Hey, you took Latin, right?” said Alex, over the music.
“Actually, we both did,” said Greg, gesturing a thumb towards Brigid, who was lurking in the corner apparently hoarding a bowl of party mix. “Why?”
“Well I just wanna know, what does ‘cogito ergo sum‘ mean?”
“Oh, that!” said Greg. “That’s Descartes. His idea was that you needed to drill down to the most fundamental level of thought you could get to, so he started with ‘if I am having this thought, there must be a me here to think it,’ or more elegantly, cogito ergo sum, ‘I think, therefore I am.'”
“I didn’t need the history lesson,” said Alex. “I just wanted a translation.”
“It’s meaningless without context,” replied Greg.
“I don’t think Descartes went far enough,” said Brigid. “There are too many loaded assumptions in ‘I think, therefore I am.’ How do you know you’re thinking? What if you only think you’re thinking?”
“Some of the folks who came after Descartes have tackled that one, too,” said Greg. “But you have to start somewhere.”
“There are too many loaded assumptions in that, too! Who says you have to start somewhere? Who says you have to start?” She waved a pretzel stick defiantly. “Throw off your shackles! Don’t be a slave to the establishment! Refuse to start! It’s the only way to be truly free! Let us begin a golden age of aggressive non-starting!”
“Eat your party mix, Bartleby,” said Greg.
“I refuse to start eating my party mix,” said Brigid, but she ate the pretzel stick anyway.
-The Gneech