Feb 20 2017

The Spectacular Spider-Spider

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Spider-Spider! Spider-Spider!
Does the things ordinary spiders do
Spins a web, about two feet across
Doesn’t catch thieves, they are huge
Look out!
Don’t step on the Spider-Spider!

Is she strong? Listen bud!
She’s only the size of your fingernail!
Can she swing from a thread?
Yes, every night over your bed.
Shower-time?
There sits the Spider-Spider!

In the chill of night
in a place with some bugs
like a streak of light
she gives them deadly hugs

Spider-Spider! Spider-Spider!
Friendly neighborhood Spider-Spider!
Wealth and fame?
She’s ignored!
Catching bugs, is her reward.

To her, life is a couple years long
It’s a sad way to end this song
Sucks to be you,
poor little Spider-Spider

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Sep 17 2016

The Always DM Blues

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(To the tune of “We Didn’t Start the Fire…” by Billy Joel)

Celedras, Arcangalad
Arshan’s always kinda mad
I haven’t played you for a while
Obsidian kills her foes with style

Maedhroc gives his foes the boot
Elsa’s tough but awfully cute
1E rules are dumb and hard
but they made my super-bard

(Singin’)
Referees don’t get to play much
We get all excited, tho we try to hide it
Referees don’t get to play much
But there’ll be no game, if I’m not DM

Playing Lachwen was a blast
but MMO fun doesn’t last
I don’t wanna spend the cash right now
to play my panda monk in WoW

But oh on tabletop to play again
Or just once for my paladin
The 3E rules were quite a cage
for Theran, my poor fighter-mage

My halfling ranger doesn’t have a name
I’d love to play him all the same

My human ranger had a plot device

but tough luck I suck at rolling dice

Natural 1’s all day!
No foes I’ll slay!

What else do I have to say?

(Singin’)
Referees don’t get to play much
We get all excited, tho we try to hide it
Referees don’t get to play much
But there’ll be no game
If I am not
DM…

(fade)

-The Gneech

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Jan 06 2016

Awake at Dawn, Awake at Dawn

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I stayed up too late
There’s a buzzing in my brain
Oh why am I awake? Uuu-ugh
Why am I awake? Uuu-ugh

I can’t feel most of my face
I’m stumbling all around the place
Oh why am I awake? Uuu-ugh
Why am I awake? Uuu-ugh

The cats need feeding
Shut up, I’m up
Move it
Or I’ll step on you and then I might just
fall right on down the stairs

’cause the cats are gonna play play play play play
While my hair is going gray gray gray gray gray
At least I won’t be late late late late late
’cause I’m awake at dawn
awake at dawn

My back is gonna break break break break break
Give me some coffee cake cake cake cake cake, baby
At least I won’t be late late late late late
’cause I’m awake at dawn
awake at dawn

My glasses can’t be found
I hope that’s not them on the ground
What was that crunching sound? Uh ooh
What was that crunching sound? Uh ooh

Coffee’s in the microwave (in the microwave)
Gourmets might think that it’s a shame (it’s an awful shame)
So what? I’m a caffeine slave, mm-mmm
Yeah I’m a caffeine slave, mm-mmm

Give me some donuts
Right now or I’ll go nuts
If you think Bruce Banner’s grumpy then
all I’ll say is you ain’t seen grumpy yet

In bed I’d rather lay lay lay lay lay
But I gotta start my day day day day day
At least I won’t be late late late late late
’cause I’m awake at dawn
awake at dawn

This headache’s gonna stay stay stay stay stay
It’s not gonna go away way way way way
At least I won’t be late late late late late
’cause I’m awake at dawn
awake at dawn

Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, oh-oh-oh

Hey-hey-hey!
Just think, while you’ve been groping around
because you’re trying to get ahead
you could have been snuggled up
in your! warm! bed!

My boss man
won’t be there ’til ten
I’m like, “Oh my God,”
but I’m still awake
And to the fella over there
with the rumpled bed hair,
I feel your pain, buddy
’cause I’m wide awake, wake, wake

Yeah
’cause the cats are gonna play play play play play
While my hair is going gray gray gray gray gray
At least I won’t be late late late late late
’cause I’m awake at dawn
awake at dawn

My back is gonna break break break break break
Give me some coffee cake cake cake cake cake
At least I won’t be late late late late late
’cause I’m awake at dawn
awake at dawn

Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh, yeah
Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh

Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, why am I
Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, oh-oh-oh-ooooooh

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Nov 10 2013

The [Social Identity Group] Anthem

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We’re [social identity group] and we’re here to say
we do things in a whole new, different way
We’re [social identity group], you’ll hear us shout
that [feelgood catchphrase] is what it’s all about!

You can look the world over but you’ll never see
anybody like [social identity group], ‘cos we are free!
We stick together loyally
that’s the way it’s meant to be

[social identity group] works together through thick and thin
that’s why [social identity group] will always win
Did we mention yet that we are free
thanks to our [social identity group] identity

We’re [social identity group] and we march in time!
To be disloyal to [social identity group] is the only crime!
We love [feelgood catchphrase] with all our might
and [social identity group] never backs down from a fight!

Ooooh yeah, we’re [social identity group]!

-The Gneech

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May 20 2013

Despite What the Song Says, It Turns Out Killmo Dwaggins is Actually the Bravest Little Hobbit of Them All

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In the middle of the Earth in the land of the Shire
lives a brave little hobbit whom we all admire
but there’s an even braver one who lives just up the road
but he kept his adventures secret so his family wouldn’t know, oh!

Killmo, Killmo Dwaggins
with a lowbrow country drawl
Killmo, Killmo Dwaggins
the actual bravest hobbit of them all

Now hobbits are peaceloving folks y’know
“Keep your adventures in the closet and on the down low!”
But Killmo had some dwarf friends traveling to and fro
and dragons kept eating up his buddies so they had to go

So Killmo strapped on his sword and mail
He couldn’t find a helmet so he used an old pail
He had to keep it secret so he found a way to ‘morph:
Killmo put on some false whiskers and became a dwarf, oh!

Killmo, Killmo Dwaggins
with a lowbrow country drawl
Killmo, Killmo Dwaggins
the actual bravest hobbit of them all

Killmo was a better fighter than you might think
He killed so many dragons that they’re all but extinct
He was toasted and rewarded by all his dwarf pals
And found out that it’s true what they say about dwarf gals, oh!

Killmo, Killmo Dwaggins
with a lowbrow country drawl
Killmo, Killmo Dwaggins
the actual bravest hobbit of them all

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May 07 2013

A Message for the People of Earth

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Sleestak, Skeksi, Tellarites
Morloks eating trilobites
Wormhole, portal, dimensional rift
Klaatu barada, catch my drift?
Ghostly creatures of living gas
this planet is forbidden; none shall pass!
Atlantis, Lemuria, the land of Mu
Autotrepanation is bad juju
Frozen in time and lost in space
in a vinyl playset with a carrying case
Shoggoths quiver, phantoms creep
androids dream of electric sheep
It can happen here! Watch the skies!
Search a thousand years for the girl with green eyes
’cause when the worlds collide and Mars attacks?
It’s just a show, so just relax.

-The Gneech

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