• The Halfling Lass From Appletop


    Berelandine the Halfling Serving Wench by Dunlaoch on DeviantArt

    A popular barracks/meadhall song in Orbis Leonis, sung to the tune of “The Mademoiselle From Armentiers.”

    [call]
    The halfling lass from Appletop is a tavern maid.
    [return]
    The halfling lass from Appletop is a tavern maid!

    The halfling lass is a tavern maid.
    In gold or kisses she gets paid!

    [chorus]
    Will you have another round, me lord?

    [call]
    The halfling lass from Appletop is three foot high.
    [return]
    The halfling lass from Appletop is three foot high!

    The halfling lass is three foot high.
    She looks your codpiece in the eye!

    [chorus]
    Will you have another round, me lord?

    [call]
    The halfling lass from Appletop is a lovely girl.
    [return]
    The halfling lass from Appletop is a lovely girl!

    The halfling lass is a lovely girl.
    She’ll take your stallion for a whirl!

    [chorus]
    Will you have another round, me lord?

    [call]
    I asked the lass from Appletop to be my bride.
    [return]
    He asked the lass from Appletop to be his bride!

    I asked the lass to be my bride,
    and spend a lifetime at my side!

    [chorus]
    Will you have another round, me lord?

    [call]
    The halfling lass from Appletop said “Nay, sir, nay.”
    [return]
    The halfling lass from Appletop said “Nay, sir, nay!”

    The halfling lass said “Nay, sir, nay!
    Not until your tab you pay!”

    [chorus]
    Will you have another round, me lord?

    Put that in your weed-pipe and smoke it. 😉

    -The Gneech

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  • The Spectacular Spider-Spider

    Spider-Spider! Spider-Spider!
    Does the things ordinary spiders do
    Spins a web, about two feet across
    Doesn’t catch thieves, they are huge
    Look out!
    Don’t step on the Spider-Spider!

    Is she strong? Listen bud!
    She’s only the size of your fingernail!
    Can she swing from a thread?
    Yes, every night over your bed.
    Shower-time?
    There sits the Spider-Spider!

    In the chill of night
    in a place with some bugs
    like a streak of light
    she gives them deadly hugs

    Spider-Spider! Spider-Spider!
    Friendly neighborhood Spider-Spider!
    Wealth and fame?
    She’s ignored!
    Catching bugs, is her reward.

    To her, life is a couple years long
    It’s a sad way to end this song
    Sucks to be you,
    poor little Spider-Spider

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  • The Always DM Blues

    (To the tune of “We Didn’t Start the Fire…” by Billy Joel)

    Celedras, Arcangalad
    Arshan’s always kinda mad
    I haven’t played you for a while
    Obsidian kills her foes with style

    Maedhroc gives his foes the boot
    Elsa’s tough but awfully cute
    1E rules are dumb and hard
    but they made my super-bard

    (Singin’)
    Referees don’t get to play much
    We get all excited, tho we try to hide it
    Referees don’t get to play much
    But there’ll be no game, if I’m not DM

    Playing Lachwen was a blast
    but MMO fun doesn’t last
    I don’t wanna spend the cash right now
    to play my panda monk in WoW

    But oh on tabletop to play again
    Or just once for my paladin
    The 3E rules were quite a cage
    for Theran, my poor fighter-mage

    My halfling ranger doesn’t have a name
    I’d love to play him all the same

    My human ranger had a plot device

    but tough luck I suck at rolling dice

    Natural 1’s all day!
    No foes I’ll slay!

    What else do I have to say?

    (Singin’)
    Referees don’t get to play much
    We get all excited, tho we try to hide it
    Referees don’t get to play much
    But there’ll be no game
    If I am not
    DM…

    (fade)

    -The Gneech

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  • Awake at Dawn, Awake at Dawn

    I stayed up too late
    There’s a buzzing in my brain
    Oh why am I awake? Uuu-ugh
    Why am I awake? Uuu-ugh

    I can’t feel most of my face
    I’m stumbling all around the place
    Oh why am I awake? Uuu-ugh
    Why am I awake? Uuu-ugh

    The cats need feeding
    Shut up, I’m up
    Move it
    Or I’ll step on you and then I might just
    fall right on down the stairs

    ’cause the cats are gonna play play play play play
    While my hair is going gray gray gray gray gray
    At least I won’t be late late late late late
    ’cause I’m awake at dawn
    awake at dawn

    My back is gonna break break break break break
    Give me some coffee cake cake cake cake cake, baby
    At least I won’t be late late late late late
    ’cause I’m awake at dawn
    awake at dawn

    My glasses can’t be found
    I hope that’s not them on the ground
    What was that crunching sound? Uh ooh
    What was that crunching sound? Uh ooh

    Coffee’s in the microwave (in the microwave)
    Gourmets might think that it’s a shame (it’s an awful shame)
    So what? I’m a caffeine slave, mm-mmm
    Yeah I’m a caffeine slave, mm-mmm

    Give me some donuts
    Right now or I’ll go nuts
    If you think Bruce Banner’s grumpy then
    all I’ll say is you ain’t seen grumpy yet

    In bed I’d rather lay lay lay lay lay
    But I gotta start my day day day day day
    At least I won’t be late late late late late
    ’cause I’m awake at dawn
    awake at dawn

    This headache’s gonna stay stay stay stay stay
    It’s not gonna go away way way way way
    At least I won’t be late late late late late
    ’cause I’m awake at dawn
    awake at dawn

    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, oh-oh-oh

    Hey-hey-hey!
    Just think, while you’ve been groping around
    because you’re trying to get ahead
    you could have been snuggled up
    in your! warm! bed!

    My boss man
    won’t be there ’til ten
    I’m like, “Oh my God,”
    but I’m still awake
    And to the fella over there
    with the rumpled bed hair,
    I feel your pain, buddy
    ’cause I’m wide awake, wake, wake

    Yeah
    ’cause the cats are gonna play play play play play
    While my hair is going gray gray gray gray gray
    At least I won’t be late late late late late
    ’cause I’m awake at dawn
    awake at dawn

    My back is gonna break break break break break
    Give me some coffee cake cake cake cake cake
    At least I won’t be late late late late late
    ’cause I’m awake at dawn
    awake at dawn

    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh, yeah
    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh

    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, why am I
    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, oh-oh-oh-ooooooh

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  • The [Social Identity Group] Anthem

    We’re [social identity group] and we’re here to say
    we do things in a whole new, different way
    We’re [social identity group], you’ll hear us shout
    that [feelgood catchphrase] is what it’s all about!

    You can look the world over but you’ll never see
    anybody like [social identity group], ‘cos we are free!
    We stick together loyally
    that’s the way it’s meant to be

    [social identity group] works together through thick and thin
    that’s why [social identity group] will always win
    Did we mention yet that we are free
    thanks to our [social identity group] identity

    We’re [social identity group] and we march in time!
    To be disloyal to [social identity group] is the only crime!
    We love [feelgood catchphrase] with all our might
    and [social identity group] never backs down from a fight!

    Ooooh yeah, we’re [social identity group]!

    -The Gneech

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  • Despite What the Song Says, It Turns Out Killmo Dwaggins is Actually the Bravest Little Hobbit of Them All

    In the middle of the Earth in the land of the Shire
    lives a brave little hobbit whom we all admire
    but there’s an even braver one who lives just up the road
    but he kept his adventures secret so his family wouldn’t know, oh!

    Killmo, Killmo Dwaggins
    with a lowbrow country drawl
    Killmo, Killmo Dwaggins
    the actual bravest hobbit of them all

    Now hobbits are peaceloving folks y’know
    “Keep your adventures in the closet and on the down low!”
    But Killmo had some dwarf friends traveling to and fro
    and dragons kept eating up his buddies so they had to go

    So Killmo strapped on his sword and mail
    He couldn’t find a helmet so he used an old pail
    He had to keep it secret so he found a way to ‘morph:
    Killmo put on some false whiskers and became a dwarf, oh!

    Killmo, Killmo Dwaggins
    with a lowbrow country drawl
    Killmo, Killmo Dwaggins
    the actual bravest hobbit of them all

    Killmo was a better fighter than you might think
    He killed so many dragons that they’re all but extinct
    He was toasted and rewarded by all his dwarf pals
    And found out that it’s true what they say about dwarf gals, oh!

    Killmo, Killmo Dwaggins
    with a lowbrow country drawl
    Killmo, Killmo Dwaggins
    the actual bravest hobbit of them all

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