According to Borders, yesterday was “Bad Poetry Day.” On their Twitter feed, they asked for people to send in their bad haiku. And as I have an occasional knack [1] for writing bad poetry, I tossed some submissions their way. (I’ve also included a few responses, indicated by username.)

…

Five syllables and
seven syllables and then
HAIKU! … gesundheit

…

Who writes a haiku
only to pimp their website
go to gneech.com

…

(And since traditional haiku usually is about or at least references nature…)

Rain rain rain rain rain
Rain rain rain rain rain rain rain
Rain rain rain rain rain

…

Twittering haikus
there are so many now, that
Oh no! The Fail Whale!

…

(Starhound joins in…)

Look there at @the_gneech
Tweeting haikus on the net
He is a bit odd

…

(Rebelsheart calls me out on Twitterfail…)

just had to tempt fate
posted prose excessively
@the_gneech broke twitter

…

(JadedFox @ed this one my way…)

Start the day with rock
loud drums and guitars wailing
better than coffee!

…

(Heatherzundel finishes me off…)

Oh wow – so in love
it’s hard to write bad haikus
rock on tweet fail whale.

…

A fun time was had by all.

-The Gneech

[1] Not to be confused with an occasional table.

o/`
In the middle of the Earth
in the land of the Shire
was born a scrappy little hobbit
who had a heart of fire
With a long pointy stick
and an aggro-grabbin’ yell
he gives The Boot to his enemies
and sends ‘em straight to hell, Oh!

Maedhroc!
Maedhroc Thornhollow!
Only three feet tall!
Maedhroc!
Maedhroc Thornhollow!
The most butt-kickin’ hobbit of them all!

Now hobbits are peace-lovin’
folk ya know
but sometimes there are monsters
and they’ve got to go
So Maedhroc hunkers down
and he chucks his spear
then he teaches all those goblins
’bout the Wages of Fear, Oh!

Maedhroc!
Maedhroc Thornhollow!
Only three feet tall!
Maedhroc!
Maedhroc Thornhollow!
The most butt-kickin’ hobbit of them all!

Well he battled with bandits!
He ambushed some trolls!
He riddled with Bilbo!
Some giants’ Lucky Stone he stole!
He chased down a Nazgul
beat up trees in Old Forest
Fought a giant turtle in a dead king’s tomb, Oh!

Maedhroc!
Maedhroc Thornhollow!
Only three feet tall!
Maedhroc!
Maedhroc Thornhollow!
The most butt-kickin’ hobbit of them all!
o/`

-The Gneech, with apologies to Leonard Nimoy

There’s a hole in your soul
where the good thoughts never go
and the hole is made of bones
that are gnawed by a mole
who lives in the hole
at the bottom of your soul
And the mole has a phone
and he calls when you’re alone
But the tone of his phone
is a lonely hollow groan
And when you answer the phone
when you’re called by the mole
who lives in the hole
at the bottom of your soul
where the good thoughts never go
you just moan ’cause you know
that he’s down there all alone
in a hole made of bones

-The Gneech

(Originally posted to my LiveJournal.)

To the tune of “Eleanor Rigby”

Argh, look at all these bonehead people
Argh, look at all these bonehead people

What’s with this traffic?
I’m cruising along
and some idiot’s tailgating me
Look over and see

The left lane is empty
if you want to go faster
get over and out of this rut
get off of my butt

   All the bonehead people
   where do they all come from?
   All the bonehead people
   why won’t they leave me ‘lone?

Get off that cellphone
there’s no conversation
worth having so much you could die
Just say goodbye

Both hands on the wheel, dude
Try paying attention
to all of the traffic that’s up in your face
come back down from space

   All the bonehead people
   where do they all come from?
   All the bonehead people
   why won’t they leave me ‘lone?

Argh, look at all these bonehead people
Argh, look at all these bonehead people

What’s with this traffic?
There’s nothing the matter
but people keep on slowing down
Keep moving, clowns!

Look at them sitting
when the light’s green they
just sit and won’t move their buns
But red lights they run!

   All the bonehead people
   where do they all come from?
   All the bonehead people
   why won’t they leave me ‘lone?

-The Gneech

(Originally posted to my LiveJournal.)

To the tune of ‘In the Jailhouse Now’

I had a friend named Five-Finger Ted
a halfling who lived on ale and bread
not the best of rogues when all is said and done
Teddy snuck up to the Viscount
and tried to get “his discount”
but he blew it when his d20 came up with a 1

He’s in the dungeon now
he’s in the dungeon now
The judge just gave him heck
when Teddy blew his diplomacy check
He’s in the dungeon now

I know a human named Oak Strongheart
a manly man of the warrior arts
I told him Ted would no longer make our maps
Oak said, “We’ve got to rescue him, smarty
he’s a member of the party
and who else are we going to get to check for traps?”

He’s in the dungeon now
he’s in the dungeon now
Ol’ Strongheart bit the dirt
’cause the prison wizard cast his sleep spell first
he’s in the dungeon now

Now I’m a cleric of the god of duty
So I went and gathered up all our booty
I figured that I’d use it for the bail
I said, “We’ve got a date over in Myth Drannor
we’ve gotta give some orcs the hammer”
and the righteous bastard tossed me in the jail!

I’m in the dungeon now
I’m in the dungeon now
The judge said, “I can’t believe you would
try to bribe me, you’re Lawful Good!”
I’m in the dungeon now

-The Gneech

(Originally posted to my LiveJournal.)

From the Scrolls of Gilgamesh…

The Fifth King [1] commands, and we obey,
that it be recorded what the sages say;
for that which the flood has lost
we forget at terrible cost;
the gods turn strange, and ever grim
the listening stars have now turned dim.

Acheron [2], that mighty land,
Acheron, the iron hand,
sleeps, and let it not awake.
Forever let its power break!
The Lord of Serpents on his throne
ruled the night, and ruled alone.

The Lord of Wealth, in his vaults
many and dark were his faults
dwells forever now below
never to see Anu’s glow
Where once his mountain tower rose
now the deadly Charybdis forever flows

For it is as the gods command
never the same will be the land
never again will be unfurled
the banner that once ruled the world
the evil of its unkilled king [3]
has lost forever its dark sting.

Not even the wisest of sages knows
Where the river of forgetfulness flows [4]
The Styx, still found, has wandered west [5]
and carries kings still to their deathly rest
Merciful the gods who brought the flood
and washed away a sea of blood.

Three thousand times, the moon’s shined bright
since Tiamat ceased her heavenly flight
Three hundred years since the second birth
Have mortals fought to reclaim the Earth
Let the poets and the spirits sing,
of Uruk, the land, and of Gilgamesh, king!

But let us remember, forget it not
that our prosperity was dearly bought
Good is our king, and wise his laws
but at the foundation, the Serpent gnaws
Let it never be that men will say,
‘Here again, rises Acheron today.’

-The Gneech

[1] Traditionally, Gilgamesh was the fifth king to rule Uruk after the great flood.

[2] In Greek mythology, Acheron was the “river of woe,” which circled the underworld, and was sometimes used to refer to the underworld itself. However, the Scrolls of Gilgamesh seem to treat Acheron as a terrestrial kingdom somewhere in what is now northern Africa, or possibly near the Persian Gulf.

[3] The meaning of this passage is vague at best. Some have read it to mean that the evil king of Acheron was not killed in the war … others have taken it to mean something similar to the modern “undead.” This, combined with the references to him ruling the night, have led to speculation that this dark king was a vampire.

[4] Referred to in Greek mythology as “Lethe,” the river of forgetfulness was the only drinkable water in the underworld, which made the spirits of the dead gradually forget their former lives.

[5] Again, a river of the underworld, specifically the one that Charon carried the spirits of the dead across to enter the underworld. What “Styx has wandered west” could mean, is anyone’s guess.

(Originally posted to my LiveJournal.)