• A Message for the People of Earth

    Sleestak, Skeksi, Tellarites
    Morloks eating trilobites
    Wormhole, portal, dimensional rift
    Klaatu barada, catch my drift?
    Ghostly creatures of living gas
    this planet is forbidden; none shall pass!
    Atlantis, Lemuria, the land of Mu
    Autotrepanation is bad juju
    Frozen in time and lost in space
    in a vinyl playset with a carrying case
    Shoggoths quiver, phantoms creep
    androids dream of electric sheep
    It can happen here! Watch the skies!
    Search a thousand years for the girl with green eyes
    ’cause when the worlds collide and Mars attacks?
    It’s just a show, so just relax.

    -The Gneech

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  • 16 Tons (of Stuff In My Nose)

    (To the tune of “16 Tons” by Tennessee Ernie Ford…)

    You blow 16 tons of junk out your nose
    try to do it discreetly where it doesn’t show
    You blow 16 tons, and what happens then?
    You get out another tissue and do it again

    Sinusitis is a crap malady
    you have it every day but get no sympathy
    You blow 16 tons out your nose every day
    but it ain’t good for nothing, so you throw it away

    You blow 16 tons of junk out your nose
    try to do it discreetly where it doesn’t show
    You blow 16 tons, and what happens then?
    You get out another tissue and do it again

    If boogers were gold I’d be a rich man
    instead crusty dragons fill my garbage can
    If I had stock in Kleenex I could pay my own way
    ‘cos I use at least twelve boxes every day

    You blow 16 tons of junk out your nose
    try to do it discreetly where it doesn’t show
    You blow 16 tons, and what happens then?
    You get out another tissue and do it again

    Blowing out 16 tons, you’d think I’d lose weight
    The Sinusitis Diet man, sure would be great!
    When doomsday arrives, I’ll know how it goes:
    I’m going to blow the whole world right out through my nose

    You blow 16 tons of junk out your nose
    try to do it discreetly where it doesn’t show
    You blow 16 tons, and what happens then?
    You get out another tissue…
    …and you do it again!

    -The Gneech

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  • I Declare! There’s Something In My Chair!

    I declare!
    There’s something in my chair!
    It’s giving me a scare
    and I wish it wasn’t there.
    Usually it’s rare
    to see anything but air
    in my seat below the stair
    and its cushion with a tear.
    I don’t suspect that it will share
    and perhaps I should beware;
    I could touch it if I dare
    and its soul would be laid bare
    but it’s giving me a glare
    which I just don’t think is fair.
    I should really grow a pair
    and remove it from my lair.
    Or to extract it from my hair
    maybe I should ask the mayor?
    But I think she just won’t care
    about the something in my chair.

    -The Gneech

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  • The Writer’s Block Hoedown

    (to a country-western twang)

    I want to write a story, I want to write a tale
    I want to see it published and get checks in the mail
    I wanna be the hottest thing that you have ever seen
    but all that I am doing, is staring at the screen!

    I’ve got a case of writer’s block, as you can plainly see
    I had it something awful now, since 2000-and-3!
    I’ve got character and setting, but I haven’t got a shot
    ’cause all these things are useless if I haven’t got a plot

    Nothing happens!
    Nothing happens!
    Nothing happens in my tale

    Nothing happens!
    Nothing happens!
    My story is a fail

    Perhaps I try a bit too hard, perhaps I should relax
    perhaps I oughta just write down a tale based on the facts
    Just give your guy a problem, the writing coaches say
    then figure out how his quirks will help him save the day

    But nothing happens!
    Nothing happens!
    Nothing happens in my tale

    Nothing happens!
    Nothing happens!
    My story is a fail

    It’s causing me some anguish, my lame attempts at art
    you can’t ever finish, what you never start
    But your muse will never flourish, when threatened by a gun
    so I’m gonna write a filk about it, and then call it done

    ’cause nothing happens!
    Nothing happens!
    Nothing happens in my tale

    Nothing happens!
    Nothing happens!
    My story is a fail!

    -The Gneech

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  • Have an Introverted Christmas

    (to the tune of ‘Holly Jolly Christmas’)

    Have an introverted Christmas
    with a small group of your friends
    And then sigh with deep relief
    when it finally ends

    Have an introverted Christmas
    but don’t make too much fuss
    We won’t force you to put on smiles
    there’s no-one here but us

    Ho, ho, the mistletoe
    Hung where you can see
    and know how far to stay away
    hangin’ out by the tree

    Have an introverted Christmas
    the phone is off the hook
    Tell the folks I said hello
    and then went back to my book.

    -The Gneech

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  • You’re a Hoser, Mister Grinch

    You’re a hoser, Mister Grinch
    you’re a total spazoid dork
    you’re just completely bogus
    and your parentage is borked, Mister Grinch
    You’re a salmonella salad made with…
    under-cooked pork!

    You’re overly sensitive, Mister Grinch
    constructive criticism makes you mad
    You take it all so personal
    it’s really rather sad, Mister Grinch
    You just keep looking at me like…
    I’m being some kind of cad!

    You’re the anti-Christ, Mister Grinch
    you’re the harbinger of End Times
    and they’re digging a new hell now
    just to cover all your crimes, Mister Grinch
    You’re a shambling blob of tentacles and eyes…
    oozing in acidic slime!

    -The Gneech

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