• You’re a Hoser, Mister Grinch

    You’re a hoser, Mister Grinch
    you’re a total spazoid dork
    you’re just completely bogus
    and your parentage is borked, Mister Grinch
    You’re a salmonella salad made with…
    under-cooked pork!

    You’re overly sensitive, Mister Grinch
    constructive criticism makes you mad
    You take it all so personal
    it’s really rather sad, Mister Grinch
    You just keep looking at me like…
    I’m being some kind of cad!

    You’re the anti-Christ, Mister Grinch
    you’re the harbinger of End Times
    and they’re digging a new hell now
    just to cover all your crimes, Mister Grinch
    You’re a shambling blob of tentacles and eyes…
    oozing in acidic slime!

    -The Gneech

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  • You’re a Butthead, Mister Grinch

    You’re a butthead, Mister Grinch
    You really are a dink
    You have no social graces
    And your breath quite frankly stinks, Mister Grinch
    You have got to be the…
    mother of all finks

    You’re obnoxious, Mister Grinch
    You’re an unappealing pratt
    and the worst thing I can say is
    that you still think you’re all that, Mister Grinch
    If there was any justice, a streamroller would come along and…
    whallop you flat

    You’re diabolic, Mister Grinch
    you’ve made a Faustian pact
    and I would point out all its loopholes
    if I didn’t have such tact, Mister Grinch
    I wouldn’t have you on my friends list even if…
    all my social media got hacked

    -The Gneech

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  • The Hillbillies Out of Space Filk

    (To the tune of “The Beverly Hillbillies”)…

    Lemme tellee little story ’bout a man named Nahum [1]
    he lived west o’ Arkham and never did any harm [2]
    Then one day a hill exploded in his face
    and Nahum had to cope with a colour outa space!

    (An alien that is. Amorphous. Intangible.)

    Well the first thing you know, ol’ Nahum’s lookin’ spare
    his kinfolk said, “Nahum, move away from there!”
    But Nahum and his folks couldn’t muster up the fight
    and the trees and hills were glowin’ in the night

    (From radiation, that is. Sickly crops, mutated animals.)

    Well now it’s time to say goodbye to Nahum and his kin
    not that there’s much left of ’em except some dust and skin
    They’re dammin’ up the river and floodin’ the whole place
    so now yer drinkin’ water’s full o’ colour out of space!

    (Y’all flee for your lives now, y’hear?)

    -The Gneech

    [1] Pronounced “naaum”
    [2] Pronounced in a New England accent, “haam”

    EDIT: Maxgoof recorded it! Click through to hear it.

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  • New Section (Risk a Verse)

    I’ve created a new “Risk a Verse” section for the website, for those masochistic souls who’d like to read my various poems, filks, and such strangeness. A poem about jackalopes? It’s in there. Filk about D&D? It’s in there. Sword and sorcery microfiction in rhyming couplets? It’s in there! As of this morning it’s all reposts, but some are pretty old and thus probably new to most of my readers.

    Enjoy. 🙂

    -The Gneech

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  • The Most Butt-Kickin’ Hobbit of Them All!

    o/`
    In the middle of the Earth
    in the land of the Shire
    was born a scrappy little hobbit
    who had a heart of fire
    With a long pointy stick
    and an aggro-grabbin’ yell
    he gives The Boot to his enemies
    and sends ‘em straight to hell, Oh!

    Maedhroc!
    Maedhroc Thornhollow!
    Only three feet tall!
    Maedhroc!
    Maedhroc Thornhollow!
    The most butt-kickin’ hobbit of them all!

    Now hobbits are peace-lovin’
    folk ya know
    but sometimes there are monsters
    and they’ve got to go
    So Maedhroc hunkers down
    and he chucks his spear
    then he teaches all those goblins
    ’bout the Wages of Fear, Oh!

    Maedhroc!
    Maedhroc Thornhollow!
    Only three feet tall!
    Maedhroc!
    Maedhroc Thornhollow!
    The most butt-kickin’ hobbit of them all!

    Well he battled with bandits!
    He ambushed some trolls!
    He riddled with Bilbo!
    Some giants’ Lucky Stone he stole!
    He chased down a Nazgul
    beat up trees in Old Forest
    Fought a giant turtle in a dead king’s tomb, Oh!

    Maedhroc!
    Maedhroc Thornhollow!
    Only three feet tall!
    Maedhroc!
    Maedhroc Thornhollow!
    The most butt-kickin’ hobbit of them all!
    o/`

    -The Gneech, with apologies to Leonard Nimoy

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  • What’s With This Traffic? (filk)

    To the tune of “Eleanor Rigby”

    Argh, look at all these bonehead people
    Argh, look at all these bonehead people

    What’s with this traffic?
    I’m cruising along
    and some idiot’s tailgating me
    Look over and see

    The left lane is empty
    if you want to go faster
    get over and out of this rut
    get off of my butt

       All the bonehead people
       where do they all come from?
       All the bonehead people
       why won’t they leave me ‘lone?

    Get off that cellphone
    there’s no conversation
    worth having so much you could die
    Just say goodbye

    Both hands on the wheel, dude
    Try paying attention
    to all of the traffic that’s up in your face
    come back down from space

       All the bonehead people
       where do they all come from?
       All the bonehead people
       why won’t they leave me ‘lone?

    Argh, look at all these bonehead people
    Argh, look at all these bonehead people

    What’s with this traffic?
    There’s nothing the matter
    but people keep on slowing down
    Keep moving, clowns!

    Look at them sitting
    when the light’s green they
    just sit and won’t move their buns
    But red lights they run!

       All the bonehead people
       where do they all come from?
       All the bonehead people
       why won’t they leave me ‘lone?

    -The Gneech

    (Originally posted to my LiveJournal.)

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