• The Spectacular Spider-Spider

    Spider-Spider! Spider-Spider!
    Does the things ordinary spiders do
    Spins a web, about two feet across
    Doesn’t catch thieves, they are huge
    Look out!
    Don’t step on the Spider-Spider!

    Is she strong? Listen bud!
    She’s only the size of your fingernail!
    Can she swing from a thread?
    Yes, every night over your bed.
    Shower-time?
    There sits the Spider-Spider!

    In the chill of night
    in a place with some bugs
    like a streak of light
    she gives them deadly hugs

    Spider-Spider! Spider-Spider!
    Friendly neighborhood Spider-Spider!
    Wealth and fame?
    She’s ignored!
    Catching bugs, is her reward.

    To her, life is a couple years long
    It’s a sad way to end this song
    Sucks to be you,
    poor little Spider-Spider

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  • The Always DM Blues

    (To the tune of “We Didn’t Start the Fire…” by Billy Joel)

    Celedras, Arcangalad
    Arshan’s always kinda mad
    I haven’t played you for a while
    Obsidian kills her foes with style

    Maedhroc gives his foes the boot
    Elsa’s tough but awfully cute
    1E rules are dumb and hard
    but they made my super-bard

    (Singin’)
    Referees don’t get to play much
    We get all excited, tho we try to hide it
    Referees don’t get to play much
    But there’ll be no game, if I’m not DM

    Playing Lachwen was a blast
    but MMO fun doesn’t last
    I don’t wanna spend the cash right now
    to play my panda monk in WoW

    But oh on tabletop to play again
    Or just once for my paladin
    The 3E rules were quite a cage
    for Theran, my poor fighter-mage

    My halfling ranger doesn’t have a name
    I’d love to play him all the same

    My human ranger had a plot device

    but tough luck I suck at rolling dice

    Natural 1’s all day!
    No foes I’ll slay!

    What else do I have to say?

    (Singin’)
    Referees don’t get to play much
    We get all excited, tho we try to hide it
    Referees don’t get to play much
    But there’ll be no game
    If I am not
    DM…

    (fade)

    -The Gneech

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  • When LucioBall Gets… Weird

    Inkblitzer caught this footage of a game he, Plotline and I played in which Zenyatta crashed the party. It was the best of games, it was the worst of games. My laughing muscles still hurt.

    -The Gneech

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  • Worldbuilding Wednesday: Jeeves and Wooster for 5E

    jeeveswooster

    Bertram Wilberforce “Bertie” Wooster

    Medium humanoid (human), neutral good
    Armor Class 12
    Hit Points 9 (2d8)
    Speed 30′
    Str 10/+0; Dex 14/+2; Con 10/+0; Int 14/+2; Wis 7/-2; Cha 15/+2
    Skills Athletics +2, History +4, Performance +4, Persuasion +4, Religion +4
    Proficiencies Automobile, Banjolele, Golf Clubs, Piano, Playing Cards, Trombone
    Senses passive Perception 8
    Languages English, French, Latin
    Challenge 1/8 (25 XP)
    Noblesse Oblige. Bertie has high social status and a substantial fortune inherited from his Uncle George.
    Prompt Action Through Proper Channels. Bertie has advantage on ability checks and saving throws made to avoid or escape grapples.
    Shimmy. Bertie has advantage on Athletics checks made to climb up or down drainpipes, knotted sheets, or other improvised climbing tools, or up onto furniture.
    The Work of a Moment. Bertie may act on his initiative even when surprised, but only to move and take Dash or Disengage actions.

    Actions

    Distraction. Bertie attempts to befuddle a creature within 15′ that can comprehend a language he speaks. The creature must make a DC 14 Intelligence save. Success: The creature is unaffected. Failure: The creature becomes Stunned until the beginning of its next turn.

    ——————

    Reginald Jeeves

    Medium humanoid (human), lawful good
    Armor Class 10
    Hit Points 28 (5d8+5)
    Speed 30′
    Str 12/+1; Dex 10/+0; Con 12/+1; Int 18/+4; Wis 16/+3; Cha 10/+0
    Skills Deception +4, History +8, Insight +7, Intimidation +4, Investigation +8, Perception +7, Sleight of Hand +4, Stealth +4
    Proficiencies Automobile, Darts, Fishing Tackle, Serving Tray, Sewing Tools
    Senses passive Perception 17
    Languages English, French, Latin
    Challenge 1 (200 XP)
    Concoction. Jeeves can brew up to three potions of vitality at will. Jeeves must have a long rest before he can use this ability again.
    Discretion. Jeeves can escape notice at will. He may use the Hide action even when in plain sight as long as there is some form of distraction, and has advantage on Sleight of Hand or Stealth checks against members of the upper classes.
    The Psychology of the Individual. Jeeves has advantage on a Deception, Insight, or Intimidation check made against a creature who is not a stranger to him. Jeeves must have a long rest before he can use this ability again.
    Tact and Resource. By spending 10 minutes to study a problem, Jeeves gains advantage on an Insight, Investigation, or Perception check regarding it. Jeeves must have a long rest before he can use this ability again.

    Actions

    Kosh. Melee Weapon Attack: +5 to hit, reach 5′, one creature. Hit: 4 (1d4+1) damage, +18 (5d6) sneak attack damage if applicable, and the target must make a Constitution save with a DC equal to the damage dealt. Failure: The target is Stunned until the end of its next turn. If the target is reduced to 0 hit points by the attack, they are knocked unconscious, rather than killed.
    Baffling Snare. Melee Weapon Attack: +5 to hit, reach 5′, one creature. Hit: The creature is blinded by being wrapped in a coat or other object around its head until the beginning of its next turn and must make a DC 12 Dexterity save. Failure: The creature is blinded and restrained until it succeeds at this saving throw. It can make a new attempt at the end of each of its turns.

    -The Gneech

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  • Awake at Dawn, Awake at Dawn

    I stayed up too late
    There’s a buzzing in my brain
    Oh why am I awake? Uuu-ugh
    Why am I awake? Uuu-ugh

    I can’t feel most of my face
    I’m stumbling all around the place
    Oh why am I awake? Uuu-ugh
    Why am I awake? Uuu-ugh

    The cats need feeding
    Shut up, I’m up
    Move it
    Or I’ll step on you and then I might just
    fall right on down the stairs

    ’cause the cats are gonna play play play play play
    While my hair is going gray gray gray gray gray
    At least I won’t be late late late late late
    ’cause I’m awake at dawn
    awake at dawn

    My back is gonna break break break break break
    Give me some coffee cake cake cake cake cake, baby
    At least I won’t be late late late late late
    ’cause I’m awake at dawn
    awake at dawn

    My glasses can’t be found
    I hope that’s not them on the ground
    What was that crunching sound? Uh ooh
    What was that crunching sound? Uh ooh

    Coffee’s in the microwave (in the microwave)
    Gourmets might think that it’s a shame (it’s an awful shame)
    So what? I’m a caffeine slave, mm-mmm
    Yeah I’m a caffeine slave, mm-mmm

    Give me some donuts
    Right now or I’ll go nuts
    If you think Bruce Banner’s grumpy then
    all I’ll say is you ain’t seen grumpy yet

    In bed I’d rather lay lay lay lay lay
    But I gotta start my day day day day day
    At least I won’t be late late late late late
    ’cause I’m awake at dawn
    awake at dawn

    This headache’s gonna stay stay stay stay stay
    It’s not gonna go away way way way way
    At least I won’t be late late late late late
    ’cause I’m awake at dawn
    awake at dawn

    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, oh-oh-oh

    Hey-hey-hey!
    Just think, while you’ve been groping around
    because you’re trying to get ahead
    you could have been snuggled up
    in your! warm! bed!

    My boss man
    won’t be there ’til ten
    I’m like, “Oh my God,”
    but I’m still awake
    And to the fella over there
    with the rumpled bed hair,
    I feel your pain, buddy
    ’cause I’m wide awake, wake, wake

    Yeah
    ’cause the cats are gonna play play play play play
    While my hair is going gray gray gray gray gray
    At least I won’t be late late late late late
    ’cause I’m awake at dawn
    awake at dawn

    My back is gonna break break break break break
    Give me some coffee cake cake cake cake cake
    At least I won’t be late late late late late
    ’cause I’m awake at dawn
    awake at dawn

    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh, yeah
    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh

    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, why am I
    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
    Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, oh-oh-oh-ooooooh

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  • Monster Monday: My Little Monster Studies

    Okay, okay, it’s not a monster writeup. But it has a monster in it, and it’s Monday. So deal with it!


    My Little Monster Studies: Displacer Beast by the-gneech on DeviantArt

    Commission for Miertam, possibly the start of a new series, of Twilight learning all about monsters… the hard way. This episode’s entry is that adorable little six-legged tentacular light-warping critter, the displacer beast. Fluttershy, of course, thinks it’s adorable… and clearly Twilight is speechless with admiration!

    Such a weird-honkin’ monster and one of my favorites, even if I rarely actually use them. 😀 Inspired originally by “Voyage of the Space Beagle” by A. E. van Vogt if my memory serves correctly, modified slightly and now immortalized by Dungeons and Dragons. Aside from its devious nature, the displacer beast has a permanent illusion of being some distance from its actual body. I never really thought that would actually be that confusing until I started drawing this, but now I can totally see it.

    On an artistic note, for this pic I decided to do a piece that used the pony character models but drawn in my own style rather than trying to simply mimic the MLPFIM style. Whattya think?

    -The Gneech

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