Jun 03 2003

In the Dungeon Now (filk)

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To the tune of ‘In the Jailhouse Now’

I had a friend named Five-Finger Ted
a halfling who lived on ale and bread
not the best of rogues when all is said and done
Teddy snuck up to the Viscount
and tried to get “his discount”
but he blew it when his d20 came up with a 1

He’s in the dungeon now
he’s in the dungeon now
The judge just gave him heck
when Teddy blew his diplomacy check
He’s in the dungeon now

I know a human named Oak Strongheart
a manly man of the warrior arts
I told him Ted would no longer make our maps
Oak said, “We’ve got to rescue him, smarty
he’s a member of the party
and who else are we going to get to check for traps?”

He’s in the dungeon now
he’s in the dungeon now
Ol’ Strongheart bit the dirt
’cause the prison wizard cast his sleep spell first
he’s in the dungeon now

Now I’m a cleric of the god of duty
So I went and gathered up all our booty
I figured that I’d use it for the bail
I said, “We’ve got a date over in Myth Drannor
we’ve gotta give some orcs the hammer”
and the righteous bastard tossed me in the jail!

I’m in the dungeon now
I’m in the dungeon now
The judge said, “I can’t believe you would
try to bribe me, you’re Lawful Good!”
I’m in the dungeon now

-The Gneech

(Originally posted to my LiveJournal.)

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Nov 13 2002

The Hotel in Portmerion (filk)

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To the tune of “Hotel California”

On a long British highway
damp wind in my hair
claps of ominous thunder
still hang in the air
Up ahead in the distance
a big, bouncy ball
What’s up with the pallbearer?
And unconscious I fall…

I woke up in my own room
or a facsim’le thereof
outside was wholly other
with choppers up above
It was all very pleasant
but my surroundings caused me strife
a stern guy with an umbrella
welcomed me to my new life…

Welcome to the Hotel in Portmerion
Get your button ‘fixed (Get your button ‘fixed)
You are Number Six (You are Number Six)
Come to the Green Dome at the Hotel in Portmerion
In case it isn’t clear
We Want Information, here…

They play mind games that are twisted
to their nefarious ends
Who is us and who is them?
After a while your mind bends
Stay within proscribed limits
don’t try to desert
Or Rover will hand you your *ss
When they call Orange Alert!

So I came up with escape plans
and every one of them failed
even when I thought I’d won
in the end I was nailed
Even when I got out of The Village and far away
I’d be snatched in the middle of the night
And be back the next day

Welcome to the Hotel in Portmerion
It’s for the Good of all (It’s for the Good of all)
Don’t be Un-Mutual (Don’t be Un-Mutual)
Be Seeing You at the Hotel in Portmerion
When all is said and done
Who is Number One…?

Cameras in the ceiling
and all over the place
We are all just Prisoners here
all we can do is pace
And in the masters’ chambers
The ending is such a twist
Who is Number One? Why
YOU ARE NUMBER SIX

Last thing I remember
I was running once more
I got into KAR 120C
and put the gas to the floor
Number Two is in Parliament
I’m such a fool to believe
Even if you somehow get released
You can never leave…

-The Gneech (“Be seeing you!”)

(Originally posted to my LiveJournal)

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