There’s a hole in your soul
where the good thoughts never go
and the hole is made of bones
that are gnawed by a mole
who lives in the hole
at the bottom of your soul
And the mole has a phone
and he calls when you’re alone
But the tone of his phone
is a lonely hollow groan
And when you answer the phone
when you’re called by the mole
who lives in the hole
at the bottom of your soul
where the good thoughts never go
you just moan ’cause you know
that he’s down there all alone
in a hole made of bones

-The Gneech

(Originally posted to my LiveJournal.)

To the tune of “Eleanor Rigby”

Argh, look at all these bonehead people
Argh, look at all these bonehead people

What’s with this traffic?
I’m cruising along
and some idiot’s tailgating me
Look over and see

The left lane is empty
if you want to go faster
get over and out of this rut
get off of my butt

   All the bonehead people
   where do they all come from?
   All the bonehead people
   why won’t they leave me ‘lone?

Get off that cellphone
there’s no conversation
worth having so much you could die
Just say goodbye

Both hands on the wheel, dude
Try paying attention
to all of the traffic that’s up in your face
come back down from space

   All the bonehead people
   where do they all come from?
   All the bonehead people
   why won’t they leave me ‘lone?

Argh, look at all these bonehead people
Argh, look at all these bonehead people

What’s with this traffic?
There’s nothing the matter
but people keep on slowing down
Keep moving, clowns!

Look at them sitting
when the light’s green they
just sit and won’t move their buns
But red lights they run!

   All the bonehead people
   where do they all come from?
   All the bonehead people
   why won’t they leave me ‘lone?

-The Gneech

(Originally posted to my LiveJournal.)

To the tune of ‘In the Jailhouse Now’

I had a friend named Five-Finger Ted
a halfling who lived on ale and bread
not the best of rogues when all is said and done
Teddy snuck up to the Viscount
and tried to get “his discount”
but he blew it when his d20 came up with a 1

He’s in the dungeon now
he’s in the dungeon now
The judge just gave him heck
when Teddy blew his diplomacy check
He’s in the dungeon now

I know a human named Oak Strongheart
a manly man of the warrior arts
I told him Ted would no longer make our maps
Oak said, “We’ve got to rescue him, smarty
he’s a member of the party
and who else are we going to get to check for traps?”

He’s in the dungeon now
he’s in the dungeon now
Ol’ Strongheart bit the dirt
’cause the prison wizard cast his sleep spell first
he’s in the dungeon now

Now I’m a cleric of the god of duty
So I went and gathered up all our booty
I figured that I’d use it for the bail
I said, “We’ve got a date over in Myth Drannor
we’ve gotta give some orcs the hammer”
and the righteous bastard tossed me in the jail!

I’m in the dungeon now
I’m in the dungeon now
The judge said, “I can’t believe you would
try to bribe me, you’re Lawful Good!”
I’m in the dungeon now

-The Gneech

(Originally posted to my LiveJournal.)

From the Scrolls of Gilgamesh…

The Fifth King [1] commands, and we obey,
that it be recorded what the sages say;
for that which the flood has lost
we forget at terrible cost;
the gods turn strange, and ever grim
the listening stars have now turned dim.

Acheron [2], that mighty land,
Acheron, the iron hand,
sleeps, and let it not awake.
Forever let its power break!
The Lord of Serpents on his throne
ruled the night, and ruled alone.

The Lord of Wealth, in his vaults
many and dark were his faults
dwells forever now below
never to see Anu’s glow
Where once his mountain tower rose
now the deadly Charybdis forever flows

For it is as the gods command
never the same will be the land
never again will be unfurled
the banner that once ruled the world
the evil of its unkilled king [3]
has lost forever its dark sting.

Not even the wisest of sages knows
Where the river of forgetfulness flows [4]
The Styx, still found, has wandered west [5]
and carries kings still to their deathly rest
Merciful the gods who brought the flood
and washed away a sea of blood.

Three thousand times, the moon’s shined bright
since Tiamat ceased her heavenly flight
Three hundred years since the second birth
Have mortals fought to reclaim the Earth
Let the poets and the spirits sing,
of Uruk, the land, and of Gilgamesh, king!

But let us remember, forget it not
that our prosperity was dearly bought
Good is our king, and wise his laws
but at the foundation, the Serpent gnaws
Let it never be that men will say,
‘Here again, rises Acheron today.’

-The Gneech

[1] Traditionally, Gilgamesh was the fifth king to rule Uruk after the great flood.

[2] In Greek mythology, Acheron was the “river of woe,” which circled the underworld, and was sometimes used to refer to the underworld itself. However, the Scrolls of Gilgamesh seem to treat Acheron as a terrestrial kingdom somewhere in what is now northern Africa, or possibly near the Persian Gulf.

[3] The meaning of this passage is vague at best. Some have read it to mean that the evil king of Acheron was not killed in the war … others have taken it to mean something similar to the modern “undead.” This, combined with the references to him ruling the night, have led to speculation that this dark king was a vampire.

[4] Referred to in Greek mythology as “Lethe,” the river of forgetfulness was the only drinkable water in the underworld, which made the spirits of the dead gradually forget their former lives.

[5] Again, a river of the underworld, specifically the one that Charon carried the spirits of the dead across to enter the underworld. What “Styx has wandered west” could mean, is anyone’s guess.

(Originally posted to my LiveJournal.)

To the tune of “Hotel California”

On a long British highway
damp wind in my hair
claps of ominous thunder
still hang in the air
Up ahead in the distance
a big, bouncy ball
What’s up with the pallbearer?
And unconscious I fall…

I woke up in my own room
or a facsim’le thereof
outside was wholly other
with choppers up above
It was all very pleasant
but my surroundings caused me strife
a stern guy with an umbrella
welcomed me to my new life…

Welcome to the Hotel in Portmerion
Get your button ‘fixed (Get your button ‘fixed)
You are Number Six (You are Number Six)
Come to the Green Dome at the Hotel in Portmerion
In case it isn’t clear
We Want Information, here…

They play mind games that are twisted
to their nefarious ends
Who is us and who is them?
After a while your mind bends
Stay within proscribed limits
don’t try to desert
Or Rover will hand you your *ss
When they call Orange Alert!

So I came up with escape plans
and every one of them failed
even when I thought I’d won
in the end I was nailed
Even when I got out of The Village and far away
I’d be snatched in the middle of the night
And be back the next day

Welcome to the Hotel in Portmerion
It’s for the Good of all (It’s for the Good of all)
Don’t be Un-Mutual (Don’t be Un-Mutual)
Be Seeing You at the Hotel in Portmerion
When all is said and done
Who is Number One…?

Cameras in the ceiling
and all over the place
We are all just Prisoners here
all we can do is pace
And in the masters’ chambers
The ending is such a twist
Who is Number One? Why
YOU ARE NUMBER SIX

Last thing I remember
I was running once more
I got into KAR 120C
and put the gas to the floor
Number Two is in Parliament
I’m such a fool to believe
Even if you somehow get released
You can never leave…

-The Gneech (“Be seeing you!”)

(Originally posted to my LiveJournal)

Behold the noble jackalope
vicious fangs and gleaming eyes
he lives a life of freedom
under western skies

a cousin of the pooka
that rare and skittish breed
the jackalope shares none
of their shrinking violet creed

For he has mighty antlers
and his jaws will never fail
to tear you a great big new one
if you mock his fluffy tail

But beneath this prickly honor
he is not an angry brute
in fact in normal circumstance
he’s actually quite cute

He is a strange enigma
that much is plain to see
a cuddly little bunny
who shouts “Don’t tread on me!”

So treat you well the jackalope
if you ever get the chance
underneath the western stars
to see his ancient dance

Be courteous and friendly
be respectful and be nice
or else you risk your neck
on the luck of ancient dice

I know from hard experience
I am not a ranting nut
I stepped upon a jackalope
and he kicked my sorry butt.

-The Gneech

(Originally posted in my LiveJournal.)