Spider-Spider! Spider-Spider!
Does the things ordinary spiders do
Spins a web, about two feet across
Doesn’t catch thieves, they are huge
Look out!
Don’t step on the Spider-Spider!

Is she strong? Listen bud!
She’s only the size of your fingernail!
Can she swing from a thread?
Yes, every night over your bed.
Shower-time?
There sits the Spider-Spider!

In the chill of night
in a place with some bugs
like a streak of light
she gives them deadly hugs

Spider-Spider! Spider-Spider!
Friendly neighborhood Spider-Spider!
Wealth and fame?
She’s ignored!
Catching bugs, is her reward.

To her, life is a couple years long
It’s a sad way to end this song
Sucks to be you,
poor little Spider-Spider

(To the tune of “We Didn’t Start the Fire…” by Billy Joel)

Celedras, Arcangalad
Arshan’s always kinda mad
I haven’t played you for a while
Obsidian kills her foes with style

Maedhroc gives his foes the boot
Elsa’s tough but awfully cute
1E rules are dumb and hard
but they made my super-bard

(Singin’)
Referees don’t get to play much
We get all excited, tho we try to hide it
Referees don’t get to play much
But there’ll be no game, if I’m not DM

Playing Lachwen was a blast
but MMO fun doesn’t last
I don’t wanna spend the cash right now
to play my panda monk in WoW

But oh on tabletop to play again
Or just once for my paladin
The 3E rules were quite a cage
for Theran, my poor fighter-mage

My halfling ranger doesn’t have a name
I’d love to play him all the same

My human ranger had a plot device

but tough luck I suck at rolling dice

Natural 1’s all day!
No foes I’ll slay!

What else do I have to say?

(Singin’)
Referees don’t get to play much
We get all excited, tho we try to hide it
Referees don’t get to play much
But there’ll be no game
If I am not
DM…

(fade)

-The Gneech

Inkblitzer caught this footage of a game he, Plotline and I played in which Zenyatta crashed the party. It was the best of games, it was the worst of games. My laughing muscles still hurt.

-The Gneech

Bertram Wilberforce “Bertie” Wooster

Medium humanoid (human), neutral good
Armor Class 12
Hit Points 9 (2d8)
Speed 30′
Str 10/+0; Dex 14/+2; Con 10/+0; Int 14/+2; Wis 7/-2; Cha 15/+2
Skills Athletics +2, History +4, Performance +4, Persuasion +4, Religion +4
Proficiencies Automobile, Banjolele, Golf Clubs, Piano, Playing Cards, Trombone
Senses passive Perception 8
Languages English, French, Latin
Challenge 1/8 (25 XP)
Noblesse Oblige. Bertie has high social status and a substantial fortune inherited from his Uncle George.
Prompt Action Through Proper Channels. Bertie has advantage on ability checks and saving throws made to avoid or escape grapples.
Shimmy. Bertie has advantage on Athletics checks made to climb up or down drainpipes, knotted sheets, or other improvised climbing tools, or up onto furniture.
The Work of a Moment. Bertie may act on his initiative even when surprised, but only to move and take Dash or Disengage actions.

Actions

Distraction. Bertie attempts to befuddle a creature within 15′ that can comprehend a language he speaks. The creature must make a DC 14 Intelligence save. Success: The creature is unaffected. Failure: The creature becomes Stunned until the beginning of its next turn.

Reginald Jeeves

Medium humanoid (human), lawful good
Armor Class 10
Hit Points 28 (5d8+5)
Speed 30′
Str 12/+1; Dex 10/+0; Con 12/+1; Int 18/+4; Wis 16/+3; Cha 10/+0
Skills Deception +4, History +8, Insight +7, Intimidation +4, Investigation +8, Perception +7, Sleight of Hand +4, Stealth +4
Proficiencies Automobile, Darts, Fishing Tackle, Serving Tray, Sewing Tools
Senses passive Perception 17
Languages English, French, Latin
Challenge 1 (200 XP)
Concoction. Jeeves can brew up to three potions of vitality at will. Jeeves must have a long rest before he can use this ability again.
Discretion. Jeeves can escape notice at will. He may use the Hide action even when in plain sight as long as there is some form of distraction, and has advantage on Sleight of Hand or Stealth checks against members of the upper classes.
The Psychology of the Individual. Jeeves has advantage on a Deception, Insight, or Intimidation check made against a creature who is not a stranger to him. Jeeves must have a long rest before he can use this ability again.
Tact and Resource. By spending 10 minutes to study a problem, Jeeves gains advantage on an Insight, Investigation, or Perception check regarding it. Jeeves must have a long rest before he can use this ability again.

Actions

Kosh. Melee Weapon Attack: +5 to hit, reach 5′, one creature. Hit: 4 (1d4+1) damage, +18 (5d6) sneak attack damage if applicable, and the target must make a Constitution save with a DC equal to the damage dealt. Failure: The target is Stunned until the end of its next turn. If the target is reduced to 0 hit points by the attack, they are knocked unconscious, rather than killed.
Baffling Snare. Melee Weapon Attack: +5 to hit, reach 5′, one creature. Hit: The creature is blinded by being wrapped in a coat or other object around its head until the beginning of its next turn and must make a DC 12 Dexterity save. Failure: The creature is blinded and restrained until it succeeds at this saving throw. It can make a new attempt at the end of each of its turns.

-The Gneech

I stayed up too late
There’s a buzzing in my brain
Oh why am I awake? Uuu-ugh
Why am I awake? Uuu-ugh

I can’t feel most of my face
I’m stumbling all around the place
Oh why am I awake? Uuu-ugh
Why am I awake? Uuu-ugh

The cats need feeding
Shut up, I’m up
Move it
Or I’ll step on you and then I might just
fall right on down the stairs

’cause the cats are gonna play play play play play
While my hair is going gray gray gray gray gray
At least I won’t be late late late late late
’cause I’m awake at dawn
awake at dawn

My back is gonna break break break break break
Give me some coffee cake cake cake cake cake, baby
At least I won’t be late late late late late
’cause I’m awake at dawn
awake at dawn

My glasses can’t be found
I hope that’s not them on the ground
What was that crunching sound? Uh ooh
What was that crunching sound? Uh ooh

Coffee’s in the microwave (in the microwave)
Gourmets might think that it’s a shame (it’s an awful shame)
So what? I’m a caffeine slave, mm-mmm
Yeah I’m a caffeine slave, mm-mmm

Give me some donuts
Right now or I’ll go nuts
If you think Bruce Banner’s grumpy then
all I’ll say is you ain’t seen grumpy yet

In bed I’d rather lay lay lay lay lay
But I gotta start my day day day day day
At least I won’t be late late late late late
’cause I’m awake at dawn
awake at dawn

This headache’s gonna stay stay stay stay stay
It’s not gonna go away way way way way
At least I won’t be late late late late late
’cause I’m awake at dawn
awake at dawn

Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, oh-oh-oh

Hey-hey-hey!
Just think, while you’ve been groping around
because you’re trying to get ahead
you could have been snuggled up
in your! warm! bed!

My boss man
won’t be there ’til ten
I’m like, “Oh my God,”
but I’m still awake
And to the fella over there
with the rumpled bed hair,
I feel your pain, buddy
’cause I’m wide awake, wake, wake

Yeah
’cause the cats are gonna play play play play play
While my hair is going gray gray gray gray gray
At least I won’t be late late late late late
’cause I’m awake at dawn
awake at dawn

My back is gonna break break break break break
Give me some coffee cake cake cake cake cake
At least I won’t be late late late late late
’cause I’m awake at dawn
awake at dawn

Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh, yeah
Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh

Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, why am I
Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, enh-enh
Awake at dawn, awake at dawn, oh-oh-oh-ooooooh

Okay, okay, it’s not a monster writeup. But it has a monster in it, and it’s Monday. So deal with it!

My Little Monster Studies: Displacer Beast by the-gneech on DeviantArt

Commission for Miertam, possibly the start of a new series, of Twilight learning all about monsters… the hard way. This episode’s entry is that adorable little six-legged tentacular light-warping critter, the displacer beast. Fluttershy, of course, thinks it’s adorable… and clearly Twilight is speechless with admiration!

Such a weird-honkin’ monster and one of my favorites, even if I rarely actually use them. :D Inspired originally by “Voyage of the Space Beagle” by A. E. van Vogt if my memory serves correctly, modified slightly and now immortalized by Dungeons and Dragons. Aside from its devious nature, the displacer beast has a permanent illusion of being some distance from its actual body. I never really thought that would actually be that confusing until I started drawing this, but now I can totally see it.

On an artistic note, for this pic I decided to do a piece that used the pony character models but drawn in my own style rather than trying to simply mimic the MLPFIM style. Whattya think?

-The Gneech